-yoU had me from [hello*]

maddz @ 2005-11-04T18:36:00

2005-11-05T00:34:28Z

you will never read this, because you dont know i have one, but it will make me feel better to let it out.

i hope you realize how selfish you are. how you put your fun, your drunk self, and the the cool college kids above everything else. i also hope you realize that you are two different people. 1) the boy that i met when i was a sophmore who loved me, and i could tell, because you showed it, everyday of the week, and who would do anything for me and who would have never, never gotten off the phone with me if i was crying over something he had done. 2) college boy, too cool for anything but getting drunk with the baseball guys, who talk bad about you, oh-but you dont know that, i do.and when you come into town, youre such a sweetheart, make me promise that i will see you the next weekend, even if i have to come up there, then by the end of the week acts like he could care less if he sees me or not because theres so much going on.and i cry on the phone because you have hurt my feelings, and you completely cut me off because youre around the baseball guys who dont even give a shit about you. you're a jerk. funny thing is, you dont realize it, but next time you see me, you'll come crawling back, apologize, say you want to be with me and make me feel like i am the only thing that matters to you. then you leave, and im once again nothing. this is what youre going to make of my senior year? hell no. you do such a fantastic job at making me feel like im nothing+everything at the same time. but i dont deserve it, and it seems ive been telling myself that for a long time now. so maybe i should act on it. i want to make you feel like youre nothing to me like youve made me feel this whole year except for that one weekend, speaking of which, did you not cry, no.. not cry, ball for hours on the phone to me about how much you loved me and how i was the best person you had ever met and how there was nobody else for you to me? i was with my friends that night, you knew that, but i sat there for hours listening to you, and making you feel better because i cant stand to hear you cry when i know its over me.. but when its my turn to cry, you get pleasure out of it, you get a kick out of it.. well i hope its real funny and you get pleasure in knowing that youre not worth it anymore.

maddz @ 2005-10-22T17:51:00

2005-10-22T22:53:43Z

i cant remember the last time i updated this thing. but my background+icon is from 8th grade, and thats kind of funny.

i guess its just one of those days where i feel like writing because i have no one to listen to me.

i'm so glad that lindsey is ok.. and most of you that are reading this probably dont even know her, or what happened but she got in a bad car wreck this tuesday and was life flighted to vanderbilt, she couldnt breathe on her own and was in the ICU for two days. i, along with a lot of other people, left school right after we heard about it and headed up there and i never want to have to look at one of my friends in that state again. it scared me to death to see her with a breathing tube down her throat knowing that it was one of the only things keeping her alive. anyway-- went back up there a few days later and she was so much better. i got to go back and talk to her and it was the biggest relief of my life. so now shes home, which makes me more than happy, and made me realize not to take any of my friends for granted.

he came in town on friday, and i was already out.. but i got in at 12:30 and left his house to come see me.. then saturday we went to a haunted house in nashville, and it was scary, and he held my hand... then sunday, i got handed a 4 page letter from him, pouring his heart out to me and the words were so sweet that i cried. i had no idea he felt this way, i thought he was having a great time, "livin' it up" in college,but i was off. and i didnt have the words to say, because he pushed me away when he left, and i realized i didnt need him to be happy. then he left, crushed, because im selfish and want my fun. but then wednesday was the 19th, which would have been a year and half, and a dozen red roses were sent to school for me with a card saying 'i love you'. i thought he was reeling me back in, but at the same time, i was mad for him not wanting to be with me when he left, so i stayed distant this week. he begged for me to come up there this saturday, so i made plans to. i call him after the act and hes tailgating, and hes drunk and says its a bad time for me to come up there because ofcourse stuff came up for baseball. he was being mean, and my feelings got hurt and i asked him what was wrong "you have been shitty to me all week and havent even acted like you want to be with me or come up here" and i asked if he was just trying to get even with me so to speak for being mean to him and he flat out said "yeah, i guess thats the gist of it, ya know, what goes around comes around" and i sat on the phone in tears. he calls me back later and is acting like nothing happened and said he didnt remember saying that, which is bullshit, because im not stupid anymore. makes me promise that i'll come see him tomorrow, but tonights just "not a good night" aka-its homecoming week and i want to get shit-faced. i know i shouldnt go up there. and i know this was long. and i dont understand why i do it to myself. i guess you'd just have to read the letter to understand..

maddz @ 2005-06-12T23:31:00

2005-06-13T04:41:08Z

so, as i sit here, with tears streaming down my face, i find myself thinking about a lot of stuff that i dont want to

.. like how sometimes, i think i know everything about love, and how it should make me feel, and how happy i am... but other times, i think about how love can make you cry so much and make you so unhappy and that is when i feel like i know nothing about love and im still too young to experience it and how we use the word love because we think its right, when its completely wrong. or maybe i do know what it is, and i just get in one of my moods where i want to shut out the world, go to the beach, and hide in the sand, or just go for a really long run and get all my frustration out. but then again if i really knew what it was why would i be writing all this. maybe i just sound like a damn idiot right now

i miss my grandfather so much it hurts when i think about him, and how everytime i was around him he asked me how many boyfriends i had and when he would randomly grab my hand and hold it and tell me how much he loved me. and how he drove from bowling green everytime something was going on, even to judgement house when i had 2 lines, and i couldnt take 15 minutes to really talk to him, more than just a hug and ill talk to you soon. and now i think about him laying in that hospital bed, not able to talk but you could tell he had so much to say and all he could do was give us a faint smile and whisper the first few sounds in 'i love you'. it just hurts me to see that in my head, and it really sucks, but he knows how much i loved and respected him, so that makes me feel better

maddz @ 2005-04-19T20:23:00

2005-04-20T01:16:25Z

one year :)

maddz @ 2005-04-15T12:30:00

2005-04-15T17:23:03Z

my cousin's husband won best new artist at the Dove awards!! how exciting! :)

maddz @ 2005-01-17T19:45:00

2005-01-18T01:46:00Z

im so glad nicole won miss chs, and that channing got 1st runner up :) i love those girls!

i really dont like goodbyes, i hate that i got use to him being here and then he had to leave.. but i felt better when i woke up this morning and flowers had been delivered to my house with a nice little card :)

i hate that im so negative towards some people, like i was trying to explain to lauren and jessica last night.. how theres always just one person you cant get along with and you just dont like whatsoever, why is that? you can just look at them and get mad.. maybe its just a girl thing, or maybe im just a bitch, i dont know.. but i really dont like her, im just glad i dont go to school with her.

i think im just in a bad mood.

maddz @ 2004-12-23T20:18:00

2004-12-24T02:22:04Z

aw, i love the snow!.. me and holy went over to lk's today and we were out there for like 4 hours riding the 4-wheeler and sledding down all of those HUGE hills. we thought i sprained my ankle after it got jammed in a fence that i ran into but, i was able to walk it off, so its all good!.. im glad it snowed but now im ready for it to go away. i hate being in the house all effing day and not being able to see taylor, oh me.

i hate that this one girl calls him all the time. it really sucks but i cant do or say anything about it because theyve been like "best friends" since they were kids, but it still sucks and i dont understand why she always has to call but whatever. its the jealous me coming out i guess.. but i really wish she would quit, i doubt she would of wanted anyone calling her boyfriend..

anyway, christmas is in two days! yay! it came so fast this year, usually it seems slow.. ive decided that christmas was a whole lot more fun when santa clause still existed :( that anticipation christmas eve and waking up at every noise thinking hes in your house.. ah, i miss that! haha, im such a dork

the other night me, holls, bk, and camille all went over to bks to exchange gifts and stuff, it was so much fun, i love them to death.. her mom made us like this gourmet meal with desert and all, it was so good, ive never eaten that much before.. then we watched tommy boy and me and camille are the only ones that laughed throughout the whole movie, haha, i guess we both just have a stupid sense of humor.. but it was a lot of fun ,bk got me the cutest shoes ive ever seen!

i hate when i get my hair done and hate it. its way too blonde for me, blah, hopefully it will fade.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

maddz @ 2004-11-20T20:36:00

2004-11-21T02:37:28Z

so i get a very unexpected phone call today. but it was nice. i thought it was just gunna be the whole 'i want us to still be friends'-closure kind of talk.. but i was SO wrong.. he was begging, he said he would do anything if he could be with me, he was in tears.. but suprisingly, i stood strong and told him i didnt think i could handle it anymore. he asked me to just consider it so i told him i would.. i dont know whats going to happen, i cant let myself get hurt again.. im just not going to let it happen, i wont :\

whats a girl to do

maddz @ 2004-11-18T17:41:00

2004-11-18T23:42:49Z

i hate that he lies.. i mean, is it really that hard to tell me the truth about something so simple. i dont think so. but obviously he does. whatever. why do i let myself get treated like shit over and over again? and if he wants me to "move on" why does he insist on still telling me he loves me. i know he does, but it just makes it that much harder because it makes me hold on to something thats not guaranteed

.. did that make sense?

maddz @ 2004-11-06T10:32:00

2004-11-06T16:44:55Z

so last night me and betty kay went to chilis... chris was our waitor, it was extremely nice getting to see him.. he wrote "call me sometime" on my receipt.. ill definately do that, ha ;]

after that we went to bens house and stayed till about 11 i guess, i fell asleep on his couch and my gum fell out of my mouth and into my hair.. it was not good, then we just came to my house and went to bed

ive decided to try out for miss chs.. more than likely i wont get it becaue there are like 15 dancers but oh well, it'll still be fun.. im meeting christy at the studio at 1:30 to work on my dance, and rachel proctor is gunna come and help me, i love her! im excited

tonight is the last night of the play.. im glad

my uncle told me that he was in the office yesterday talking to taylors mom and she still has our pictures up and told him that she loved me and hopes we get back together.. hm, i wonder if she knows that he hasnt talked to me in a week.. :( oh well

so..

2004-10-22T00:59:22Z

i havent updated in a while, but im bored.. so why not?

a lot has been going on lately.. a lot of stupid drama that is.. but whatever..

me and taylor broke up for two days.. but were back together for now.. it just gets hard, and i know nobody can understand that except the ones that are going through it themselves.. its hard not being with him all the time and when we dont see each other we get frustrated and it turns into a fight somehow-i hate that. but im sensitive, complicated, and i wear my emotions on my sleeves,seriously.. i cry at the drop of a hat and i wish i wasnt like that...little things get to me. i dont know how things are going to turn out, but i do know that i love him and he loves me.. im to the point where i dont care what people think.. it bothered me at first, but screw it.im sick of listening to people when they have no clue what the situation is.. i hate that NONE (except for a few, and you know who you are so dont think im talking about you)of my friends want us to be together, the majority of my friends hate taylor and all they have to say are negative things about how im still with him-how about for once, just ONCE, you be supportive and understanding and respect how i feel, why cant some of them do it? i just dont get it, it seems like i only have a select few i can go to and talk to about it without them saying "hes a jerk, break up with him" and if i am making a mistake,let me realize it on my own.. i just wish more people understood. but i guess you cant get everything you want,right?.. even though i dont consider that too much to ask

i dont understand why she forgives everbody BUT me.. how we all did the same thing, the same night but IM the one to blame,im sorry i dont have "class" as your 'buddies' would say.. im sorry that weve grown apart, and at the same time, it makes me want to be mad at you, but im not.. you have your friends, and i have mine.. but before all that, we had each other.. just the two of us, ALL THE TIME.. always together, making stupid movies,you falling off the locker mate into my tv, jumping on the trampoline with david and caleb,random pictures, the 4 of us freshman year,our first loves, the secrets, the laughs, the tears, spy kids,'floop', cooking only to spill it going down the stairs,smoothies,being sick with a 101 fever but staying at your house anyway because it was my second home, everything.. and i miss that, i miss were not like that.. i tried to call and apologize and you wouldnt take it.. im sorry, call me, talk to me at rehearsal, something.

now that ive got all that off my chest..

im so excited we only have 2 more full weeks in november

my mom bought the britney spears 'curious' perfume and it smells sooo good!

i got a 100 on my us history poster and ive been in a great mood ever since!

i notice that i only turn to God when i have a problem, and i need to fix that.. i was reading The Diary of Rachel Scott(the first girl killed at columbine)and it really got to me.. she had faith that i admire more than anybody.. the book has actual poems, letters, and drawings that she actually wrote..
-here were some things she wrote

"As i was weeping and crying, i fell to my knee, i heard the Lord's voice, he was speaking to me, he said thre would be, no more lies, only peace and hapiness, in all of my cries.
-its not my because it rhymes and its catchy..its not cleep, its not complicated, its not much.its beautiful to me because it was written with faith like a child.that faith was so simple and easy to understand, but with age comes complexity, now, i seek that same faith and would give anything to have it back. <3always, Rachel Joy"

"Dear God,
i know that at first i was really jealous of Sam. shes sweet, pretty, popular, and she got the major part of the drama, but now i only admire these qualities, you have blessed her with gifts and talents and i can only be happy for her. thank you for giving her lead role in the drama. it has taught me that i wont always be in the spot light. i am thankful to have a chance to be in the drama at all. tomorrow i have an audition, i am not expecting to get a part. if i dont, i promise not to critisize or become jealous of those who make it, if i get a part, i promise not to let it go to my head, and i will remember to thank Thee, for the ability, strength, courage and talent you blessed me with. i dont want to be successful without you God. i cant be successful without you. <3always, Rachel Joy"

"I stand back, God, and i watch those around me and ask myself, what is it that theyre feeling?what is it that theyre thinking? are they seeing you?can they hear you?if so, why cant i? what am i doing so wrong that i cant reach that level? everyone looks at e and thinks, wow-what a together kinda girl. shes doing good, but you know God that im not. why wont you fix that? i dont understand. this feeling is killing me, God.why dont you do something?i know that you have already done so much, but why stop there? i want to reach a new level with you God, take me there. i want that so much,i want to serve you. i want to be used by you to help others. but i feel lie i cant do that util you change this feeling i have.come to me God, and make use of me. Your servant, Rachel Joy"

"Father, reach out yur hand, grab a hold of my life. open my eyes, to your wonderful light. fill me up, with your undying love. save me a place, in your kingdom above. ~by Rachel Joy Scott"

"I am not a beer chuggin, pot tripping, cigar puffin, drug dealin christian.
I am a God lovin, satan slamin, Jesus freakin, world changin christian.
I am a warrior for CHRIST."

-those are just some that really meant something to me, she has such a love for God and its real encouaging, i recommend you read the book, let me know if you want to borrow it.

anyway, ive written enough, everybody have a great weekend!<3

bare with me.. im bored

2004-09-27T01:49:52Z

1) Starting time: i think its 8:34
2) Full name: Madison Paige
3) Nicknames:madi..
4) School: chs
5) Creation time: huh? ohhhhh when i was born.. june 8,88
6) Eyes: blue
7) Height: 5'4ish?
8) Siblings: one brother, parker
9) Ever cheated or been cheated on: no sir
10) Ever missed school because it was raining: actually yeah.. i really felt like sleeping that day
11) Skinny dipped: haha, good times
12) Kept a secret from everyone: yea
13) Had an imaginary friend: nope
14) Wanted to hook up with a guy/girl who was just a friend: im sure
15) Cried during a movie: yeah.. :)
16) Mon Anniversaire est: what?
17) Ever thought of animated characters was hot: na
18) Ever thought a friend was hot: who hasnt
19) Ever thought a teacher was hot: naa

-----------------FAVORITES----------------
20)Animal: dogs!
21) Shampoo: frizz ease, ha, im a nerd
22) Color: pink
23) Summer/Winter: definately summer
24) Online site: this and myspace, cause im a loser
25) Lace, silk or satin: satin!
26)Leather or Cotton: cotton, leather is uncomfortable
27) Who have you known the longest out of your friends: christina and betty kay
28) Who's the loudest: bk
29) Who's the shyest:none of them are shy around me
30) Who do you go to for advice: christina,holly,and jessica
31) Who do you get along with most:all of 'em!

---------IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS HAVE YOU------------
32) Cried: oh yes,im an emotional person..
33) Been rude: more than likely :\
34) Been Screamed at: yeah.. :(
35) Been sarcastic: haha yes
36) Killed an animal: no..
37) Fell asleep during a conversation: nope
38) Givin head: haha wow, random..
39) Hugged someone: yesss
40) Laughed at nothing: yep!
41) Wished upon a star: uh no..
42) Laughed until you've cried: not recently
43) Played Truth or Dare: no
44) Watched a sunrise/sunset: nope
45) Went to the beach at night: i wish
46) Slept on the beach: in the last 2 weeks? no
47) Kissed the opposite sex: yes'm :)
48) Are you lonely: right now i am
49) Are you happy: very
50) Are you talking to someone online: david richmond is awesome<3

-----------DO YOU BELIEVE IN...------------
51) God/Devil: both
52) Love: yes
53) The Closet Monster: haha
54) Angels: yes
55) Heaven/Hell: both
56) Superstitions: sometimes
57) Is the glass half empty or half full: half full!
58) Who named you: my mom im hoping
59) Favorite quote: if you want the rainbow you have to get through the rain
60) Last thing you said on the phone: i love you
61) Last thing that you said when u were online: "awesome"
62) What is right next to you: my cell phone
63) What is your computer desk made of: wood
64) What was the last thing that you did: talked to taylor
65) Where do u want to go on your honey moon?: i havent given that much thought
66) Where do you wanna go on a vacation: anywhere with a beach
67) Where do you live: good ol cville
68) Where is the most exotic place to make out: i dont know
69) What did you do last night: taylor came over<3
70) What song did you hear last night: letters from home! i love that song!
71) How do YOU eat a Reeses?: i shove the whoe thing in my mouth.. jk
72) All time favorite TV show:boy meets world ;)
74) What do you want to be when you grow up? im not real sure
75) Favorite music: country
76) Favorite band: rascal flatts
77) Favorite food: chicken!
78) Favorite car: i dont have a favorite
79) Favorite days of the week: friday and saturday
80) What celebrity turns you on: the boy that played in peter pan, heh ;)
81) Who do you want to kill: ah,nobody
82) If you could change your name, what would it be: Shay, i love that name
83) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: yeah..
84) The most stupid thing u ever done:i cant think of it, but im sure i wouldnt say
85) First son's name: dont know
86) Husband/Wife name: if im in love does it matter?
87) Daughter: dont know
88) Pet: dog
89) You like scary or funny movies better: depends on the mood im in
90) On the phone or in person: in person
91) Lust or Love: Love
92) Do you have pets: yes
93) Your favorite songs: paint me a birmingham,mayberry,almost home
94) What does your email stand for: my name
95) Do you want your friends to do this survey: sure
96) Time Finished: i think its 8:52

maddz @ 2004-09-19T20:20:00

2004-09-20T01:19:18Z

so today was 5 months
...he forgot

they had baseball today and he got in the head
...he got a concussion

hes in the hospital
...they think something is wrong with him

:(

im sleepy

2004-09-08T03:02:15Z

i suppose i will update about my fun-filled weekend!

friday was so fun! tinks picked me up and we met lauren and molly at chilis...chips and cake! mmm... then we went back to mollys, it was grand!!

saturday taylor came home!!!! :D he came over that night<3

sunday i missed church :\ then taylor came over around 2, left about 6 so he could be with his family some. later that night bk picked me up to go look at some pictures at hollys and then go eat n stuff but that didnt happened, we ended up staying at hollys the whole night-i havent had that much fun in so long... there were SO many people over there for a cook-out.. me, bk, dinah-rhea,kate,frankie,thomas,ross,and nick acted so stupid, haha.. im embarassed to write all the things we did.. then later thomas took me on a ride on his 4-wheeler,holy mess.ive never been so scared in my life. we were riding on highway12, passing cars, with NO helmets.. my one daring act-and ill never do it again.. me, dinah-rhea, thomas and bk stayed up and talked until 4 in the morning, and then me and dr fell asleep in a small chair, it was quite adorable looking at the pictures they took the next morning, she had my arm like it was her teddy bear..haha, ah, i love dinah-rhea! anyway..

monday, thomas gave us money to go to food lion and get donuts, so we all piled in hollys car and when we got back it was nothin but drama.. no need for me to explain.. but it was entertaning, then i left to go say bye to taylor :( then back to hollys and said bye to everyone, then i went home to sleep

that night i went with my mom to opry mills and we met my grandparents at the spaghetti factory and ate.. and i ate soooooo much, haha, then i came home and slept

..and that was my fun-filled weekend<3

maddz @ 2004-08-28T17:18:00

2004-08-28T22:36:42Z

thank God for friends.

theyre the greatest.. when i came home yesterday there was a big sign on the door saying "WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH MADISON!-holly,camille, and bk" and they had written me this long letter which cheered me up SO MUCH. also, when holly was real upset i bought her a money that says 'i love you' and gave it to her, and when camille was upset we gave the monkey to her.. then yesterday the monkey was set up by the door :) and i slept with it last night

theyre all just so thoughtful and i dont know what i would do without them.

i sat on the phone with holly for hours just crying, and she cried too and it was just good to have someone that knows exactly what youre feeling. i love her.

and taylor has just become my best friend. i talked to him today about everything, i love him so much and i know he loves me, and knowing that is just a great feeling. whenever i get upset, i just call him and he gives me just this peace and i know everything is going to be ok. hes so homesick and kills me to hear him cry on the other end because i just want to be there with him, so him crying ofcourse made me cry but, it was good for us to let it out..its only been one day and he said he hates it.. and i want to say "yeah, well its not too late to go to apsu" but i cant do that to him.. as much as i would love for him to come home, im going to encourage him.

his mom called me today.. and yes-we both cried.haha, gees its been an emotional day! but i talked to her for a good while and she makes me feel a whole lot better.

and God is just amazing. without him id be nothing.im so lucky to have everything i do and i never give thanks to him for it, so a lottttta praying has been goin on :)

one thing taylor is not blessed with is a good roommate, hes nice and all but last night he called taylor to come pick him up because him and some friends were extremely drunk. ugh, oh well-taylors not into that at all, so, that eases some of my worry.

thursday i got called up to the office because my aunt had sent me flowers, candy and card telling me how much she loved me and anytime i wanted to go to mtsu she would take me... and last night my dad took me out to eat and to blockbuster, then my grandmother called to tell me we could go shopping because "that heals everything" haha, and my mom is taking me up to see him labor day weekend.

gosh, im an ungrateful person. i have a GREAT family and they all love me so much, i have awesome friends that support me 100% on anything and are willing to do everything to make me happy, and i have a guy that flat out loves me. most importantly, i have God.. whos never going to fail me.

i'm a lucky girl.

:(

2004-08-28T18:09:19Z

yesterday was really hard.. and on the way home i was reading the long letter he had wrote me and just started balling so his mom gave me her tissues :\

i came back to their house and talked to his mom, dad, and chris for a while.. no taylor :( and then i went home.

i know hes not that far away but thats not the point..hes not here and he wont be for a while because of freaking baseball

i called him last night and he was out, which i wasnt surprised but he was out with people i didnt want him to be out with.. i mean yea, i expected him to be out with girls but, this is just the jealous me coming out. i wish i could trust him more than i do and i wish i didnt get so mad at him when he does things i dont want him to.

i couldnt even sleep last night, i seriously think i got about 4 hours.i would just lay there thinking that hes there, cutting up with girls..at some frat house, without me. with girls that arent me. ugh, it makes me sick thinking about it.

he didnt call this morning like he promised and he still hasnt called. but i guess this is how its gunna be from now on so i might as well get used to it

..but i hate it.

maddz @ 2004-08-14T10:02:00

2004-08-14T15:49:37Z

drinking is so stupid.two more guys that went to our shool are dead and its because of alcohol. i just dont see any excuse for it.. its not a 'get a way', its not fun, it doesnt ease your pain.. its dumb.. and i dont know how many other people are going to be aloud to die until people wake up and realize how incredibly stupid it is.

maddz @ 2004-08-07T14:28:00

2004-08-07T19:37:26Z

kyles funeral was so sad. gosh, it just does not feel real.. when katie was talking about him she was saying stuff like "when dad died kyle was the one that was going to walk me down the aisle..thats how it was, katie and kyle.. my best friend, i remember when we were kids and mom and dad took us on walks down by the river but i guess thats why they say "those were the days" huh? and i tell you what, kyle could make you laugh in a new york minute.. i know hes walking those golden roads and when were all cuttin' up like we use to, hes right there with us.. but man, when i saw him laying there, motionless..not able to talk,it just showed that drinking and driving gets you nowhere.. i just want to wake up from this nightmare, but as kyle always told me.. keep your head up.. tell dad i said hey, and i'll seya soon buddy"

she said so much more but those were things that got me.. gosh, im still taking it all in.. they played i can only imagine too, which was a tear-jerker for everybody.. but things can only get better now.. just pray for katie and her family.. they're realy hurting right now

maddz @ 2004-08-05T22:51:00

2004-08-06T04:04:26Z

its just weird, i really dont know how else to put it.. i met kyle in 5th grade and we started "going out" haha..and we couple skated every weekend ;)

this past year he sat beside me in keyboarding and we talked every single day, made fun of people, did each others work, pissed off mrs.gibson, threw things, turned off our computers and said they were broke so we wouldnt have to work and just talk.. and now hes not here, its just doesnt feel real

when christina called me and told me i was just kind of taking it all in, then when i got off the phone i just layed there and cried.. i dont understand why..what makes it worse is the road where the wreck happened is the road 1 minute from my house and i have to take it everyday.. every time i drive on it i think about it and i hate that.

im not trying to sound over-dramatic here.. but he was one of my friends, and nothing like that has ever happened to me.. i sent katie flowers and she said it meant the world to her and wants me to come to the funeral saturday, which is going to be incredibly hard.. i know katies not ok.. and shes the one speaking, i cant begin to comprehend what she must be going through right now

God had a plan though

ugh

2004-08-03T04:02:52Z

im such a bad person, really. sometimes i could just slap myself in the face SO HARD.

when i babysat the same little boy this morning, i was in a bad mood.. and i took it out on him, and if you dont know me.. im very sensitive and now, i feel awful, terrible,mean,selfish,ugh.. i could go on..

i feel so bad.. i was mean to him, and i didnt mean to be :'(

yes-this is silly, but i feel so stupid.. maybe i should buy him some candy.. yeah, thats what i'll do.

convince me i was just 'disciplining' him.. cause thats really all i was doing.. but i raised my voice and i shouldnt have. bad madison.

random.

2004-08-01T20:29:14Z

lo, i had a very weird dream about you last night and now i cant remember it for the life of me..strange,i know.

ive cleaned so much today that my hands permanetly smell like pledge, yuk

i got one of those moshi pillows and i loveeeee it! ;)

they have egyptian cotton leapord sheets (my room is done in leapord) at linens and things and i want them!!.. too bad theyre 80 dollars :\

taylor is home!! yay!! were going to see the village tonight

i went to the mall yesterday because my cousin and brother bedgged me to take them to the arcade and i saw BRITTNYE!!!! ahhhh, ive missed her so much!.. she was there with amber and we watched the talent show thing that was goin on and made fun of the little kids..haha.. then i saw jessica, jessica, and emily and i talked to them for a while.. thennnn i ran into EMILY! yay!.. then i left and came home for about 10 minutes and had to go babysat again. i didnt mind because these kids are so precious.. all THREE of them, haha.. plus i got paid good!

tomorrow i have to babysit the same kid from across the street.. 10 hours again, only for 30 dollars.suck.

i think ive decided to go to mrs.d's studio...

thats all

gay.

2004-07-31T00:27:23Z

i babysat today for 10 hours, and only got paid $30. >:o

taylor said he would call in a couple of hours, a couple turned into 6 and he still hasnt called nor is he answering

i have to take my brother and my cousins to the mall arcade tonight.joy.

today is not my day.

i need a new icon.

2004-07-29T17:05:00Z

i havent updated in a while

hm.. lets see.. last wednesday after church i ate dinner at jessies house with trenton hassel! i felt pretty cool, hes a funny guy.. then we went and saw the notebook, and jessie cried so hard haha..

friday was the GiRLS NiGHT! and it was fun! i love all of them so so much!!

i was pissed off at taylor the rest of the night..

saturday we went to the fair with my aunt, her boyfriend, and my cousin.. it was fun.. except for those nasty fair people..eek.. and me and taylor were looking at this person, dressed like a girl and all.. but.. -gasp- it was a boy..

sunday we went to church, then later that night we had some people over and grilled out, me and td left and rented somethings gotta give.. i love that movie, but i feel like a dork watching it, seems like its for older people, oh well

monday.. i dragged taylor to go see a cinderella story with me :) i liked it.. and chad michael murray is so effing HOT!

tuesday i went to six flags with my family.. it was a lot of fun, minus the fact my brother chickened out of pretty much every ride

yesterday taylor came over around 12 and we just acted stupid..haha, we got in an actual fight, and lets just say he was in the fedal position 4 times.. ;) oopes

last night bk came over and we went to o'charleys.. then we took our leftovers to her brother, he just opened up his own tattoo business.. hes so nice, i was surprised he remembered me, i hadnt talked to him since i was like 6 years old

today im going shopping in nashville with my mom and my grandmother.. im waiting for my mom to get back from the tanning bed then were leaving.. in the meantime i thought i would update!

taylors gone on a golf trip with his dad and some other guy and his dad.. he gets back sunday

i know its only been a little over 3 months but im very attached, and now he has to leave.. and i know mtsu isnt that far away.. but hes playing baseball, which means he'll have practices and things on the weekends.. which means hes not coming home :( i couldnt handle 2 weeks away from him.. how am i going to handle months at a time? ok-ill stop pitying myself now.. it just makes me sad, and im not about to go through all of that again.

im bored

2004-07-20T19:40:45Z

i would update more often but i am SO dern lazy :\ oh well

last night me and taylor went and say i,robot.. it was really good! i liked it!

i am determined to loose weight..i dont know how, but im going to try my best, bleh, i hate the way i look

my family goes out of town AGAIN tmw for parkers tournament, ill be staying with my grandmother/christina ;]

well, that all for now!

its been a while...

2004-07-16T18:14:57Z

not much has gone on really.. i leave for chatt. at 4:30 today to go white water rafting.. when they told me 4:30, i thought they meant in the morning.. but i was wrong.. so i couldnt go out with brittnye and kayla last night :( but now i could of.. oh well

the other night me and kristin went to taylor+alans game at apsu, and we got bored so we went to wendys to get somethin to eat and while we were in there like 5 college guys come in and they were staring.. bad.. so i was like alright lets go.. while were getting in my car one of them like stalked us out there and was just standing there so i rolled down kristins window and was like yeah? and he goes, i was going to introduce myself inside but yall left.. im kace, whats your name? so we told him and he said.. well me and my friends are going to the lake this weekend and we want yall to go.. anyway.. we told them no but it was just WEIRDDDD.. i mean, how pathetic?!?! i thought it was funny so i thought i would share..

im scared to go white water rafting.. what if i fall off and like hit my head on a rock or something? you basically have to sign your life away on the paper!! ok-im not going to think about it..

when i get back my family is going to be gone to parkers tournament in knoxville so im staying with christina until they get back! YAY! :) i love her so much.. i seriously just dont know where id be without her, its crazy!

well, i guess thats all i have to say.. have a good weekend!

<3madison